


You Know How I Feel

by Raingle



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 16:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7540609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raingle/pseuds/Raingle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in December 2015 A/U, Robert has been supporting Aaron with his mum’s diagnosis and he wants to get back with him so badly.    Aaron agrees to go out with him again if they keep it under cover and secret so he doesn’t put any more stress on his mum with her PTSD, Robert agrees but as time goes on, he knows how Aaron felt…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> From Robron Prompts

Three o clock…it’s when Aaron normally has a drink with me. It’s the highlight of my day, it’s the thing that keeps me going and I love it. He’ll be at the scrapyard right now doing some work with Adam. He had supported him ever since Chas had been diagnoised with PTSD. 

Aaron came in and smiles to me. He sits down, “Where are the pints, Rob? You were supposed to get them.” He grins at me as he goes into his wallet. “I’ve had a busy day…and you know that.”

I look up thinking of how much ‘fun’ me and him can have in the scrapyard like that summer afternoon back in July. My thoughts turn back to his first time with Aaron. It was a few days until the biggest day ever – the 4th December. 

Aaron looks down at me. He knows I’m in deep thought, “Look Rob, do you want me to go? You seem deep enough in thought for me to be here.” He puts his wallet back in his pocket and rears to go.

“No…wait...” My memory tries to remember what Aaron had said. “Pints…I need to get some pints.” 

He smiles again and he can’t stop. He goes back into his pocket and gets out his wallet. He pulls out a tenner. “Here you go!” 

I gave him a look, a look of confusion. “What’s this for?” I keep looking to him for confirmation to use his money. “I could spend this on anything…A flat screen TV…A apple mac. You don’t know what I would do…”

“…With a tenner…” He interrupts me. “Yeah right!” He then turns back to a happy smile. Despite, his worst fears being confirmed with the PTSD. He hides it well, I think. That isn’t always a good thing. He needs to let his fears out. That is what I think. “Gimme a pint!” He orders me.

I grab the tenner out of his hand. I rush over to the bar to meet his expectations. I want to get in his good books again…a full blown relationship would do me. My stepmother – Diane – comes over to the bar. She smiles like she always does at me on a daily basics. “See ya having another pint with Aaron. Having fun?”

“Ya know me…always having fun. Me and Aaron are just mates and that’s all it goes up to really. We’ve both agreed to put the affair behind us and start a fresh as friends.” I lie hoping so hard that isn’t what it’s going to turn out like. I would have to work Aaron’s charms sooner rather than later. 

She looks at me then smirks. “Right…just mates. I’ve heard that one before, Robert Sugden.”

I look at her and a smile comes on my face, “I guess you’re right. But you know what…“ there’s a bit of a pause, “Me and Aaron have an connection that I’ve never had with nobody. I don’t care about what people think. About me or that man over there.” 

She looks at me, “Don’t declare your love to me,” she points over to Aaron, “Declare it to that person over there. He needs somebody right now. He’s going through a rough deal: his mum’s ill.”

Diane’s a very selfless person. She’s always got the answers and motivates me to do what’s right for me, “You’re the best, do you know that?” 

“I guessed a long time ago,” she smirks as she starts to pull the pints, “People always say that.”

I laugh to with her, then I stop, “No, but seriously. I never knew my real mother that well. Well you’re like a really good replacement. You’ve always been there for me, Vic and Andy. You’ve succeeded, you’ve done dad proud. We’re not even your responsibility,” I can see tears in her eyes, she tries to hide them, “Dad would’ve been so proud of you. Most stepmothers would just give up on the family. You’re not even Vic’s biographical mum.” I stop. 

A smile starts to arose from her face, “Oh pet...thank you so much for that speech. And it was my responsibility to look after you lot. If I wasn’t here, you three wouldn’t be able to cope,” she starts to laugh. We wouldn’t be able to manage without her, “Right…now: these pints are on me. Take your money back and spend it on a romantic gesture like a meal.” She gives me two pints with a smile. I smile back.

I get back to the table. Aaron smiles to me, “What was all that about with Diane. She looks as though she was crying,” he folds his arms and starts to tut at me, “What have you done this time?” My face drops. I can’t believe he thinks that I’ve made my own stepmother upset. He then unfolds his arms and starts to laugh unstoppably, “You should’ve seen your face…it dropped. No, I should’ve took a photo,” he then stops, “No, seriously what’s up with her? You took ages to get two pints. It’s not that much hard work.” 

I look to Diane, “I was kind of making a speech to her. She’s such a softie, so she began to cry,” I look at the beautiful man standing right in front of me, “She give me some good advice too.” 

“What was that?” He asks me. I don’t know how to put it. I don’t want to mess it up: I love him so much. I want to make this feel special. Or what’s the point with doing it. He’s been much so much heartache. A minute must have passed by now, “Robert!” He grabs my attention. I look into his deep and blue eyes. It takes me to a Heaven land, “What was that advice she told you?” 

I stare long and deep into his eyes, “Aaron, can we talk in the backroom about it? I don’t feel comfortable about talking about it here,” he just stares at me confused, “A private chat, isn’t it? The whole pub’ll hear us if we stay here.” 

Aaron stands up and grabs hold of his pint. As though it’s the end of his life if he doesn’t. He just stares at me and looks at me. I grab my pint too. I see Diane as she smiles at me. I smile back of course. He leads us onto the chair. He gently puts his pint down on the table and so do I.

We’re left just staring at each other. My staring isn’t good for me. I knew it once I started it. I just knew it. I look into his eyes once again. My body moves closer towards him like magnets would. I feel magnetic to him. I look deeply at his lips and move closer. My lips put pressure on his. He pushes away quickly. Luckily, he did. Before I got to go to Heaven. I felt like it was all over…he would never take me back now. He just wouldn’t. I would be lucky if we’re even friends again, after my stupid performance.

He looks deeply at me after the moment. His lips begin to move to speak, “Look, I’m not mad or anything. But I need to know why you just did that. You haven’t even had much to drink.” 

I think he could guess why I did it. He didn’t want to realise it…


	2. Chapter 2

Aaron looks right at me.   She doesn’t share any emotions, none at all.  I can tell, “Right Robert, why did you kiss me?  I need to know why.” 

I’m too gobsmacked, even to speak.  I don’t know what to say, “…May-be…I…sho-uld…just go…”   I pull myself off the sofa.  He looks at me as I stand. 

I just edge towards the door.  I could hear Aaron’s soft voice, “No Rob…wait,” I stop at the door.  My body turns towards him.  I look at him, all of him, “…Please…Stay…” he gives me one of those begging looks right in the face.  It makes me stay.

He takes a seat, where he was.  He looks at me.  Making eye contact with me and then to the seat next to him.  He then turns his face back to me.  He looks at me for a few seconds.

I can’t say no to him.  His blue eyes bring me into his thoughts.  I’ve got no choice but to sit down and let him speak.  I don’t know what to say.  I can’t even use that the excuse that I was drunk.  I wasn’t even on my first pint yet.  I don’t want to frighten him off.  I couldn’t even declare my feelings for him, before that stupid pass that I’d made, “Aaron…look…I didn’t mean to kiss you.   You’ve got to believe that,” he just looks right at me, looking confused.  I know he just doesn’t believe me.  He gives me a look, basically saying that I was lying about it all, “Don’t look at me like that…please, I don’t know why I did it.  It was just a ‘thing’ of the moment.” 

He just looks at me, “No alcohol.  You haven’t had any, have you?” 

I stare down at the ground.  I don’t have the nerve to look him in the face at the minute, “Yeah, you’re right I haven’t had any alcohol,” I don’t know how he responded to that comment.  His face would tell me if I looked up, “But I need some.” I hope me cracking a joke would so him some good.  I finally get the strength to look up at him.  I’m still smirking at the joke I pulled. If he’s smirking, I might have to laugh at the joke. 

He sits there, not saying a word.  Just looking at me, not looking impressed, “This is no joking matter.  This is serious stuff, Robert.  If somebody touched your lips, you’d want to know why, no doubt,” I just stare at the ground.  I can’t look at him…not right now.   It seems ridiculous!  I don’t want him to see me in this kind of state.  A mess, that’s what he’ll think about me. 

After a few minutes passes, I look to him.  His face says it all, he’s not impressed by me.  I don’t know why I acted like such an idiot towards him.  I should’ve controlled myself.  However, I just couldn’t help myself with his deep and blue eyes, “I guess so.   Look Aaron…I’m so sorry about the kiss.”

He looks at me, “I don’t care about that.   Can you not understand?  The kiss didn’t bug me…not in the slightest,”  he pauses for a bit.  He just looks at me before he speaks again, “I just want to know why you did it.  Is that so hard?  You must know why you did it…don’t you?”  He talks to me like I’m stupid and I’m getting a bit fed up about it.  I don’t know why, but I just am.  

“You really want to know why I did it…really, Aaron,” he just gives me a dirty look.  He looks so confused about my admission.  After a while, he just nods to me, without saying a word.  He doesn’t even look at me again, “You really, really want to know why I kissed you…I can tell you can…you’re mentioning it quite a bit,” I just stare to him.

Finally, he looks up to me, “Stop being so arrogant!  You know that I want to know why you kissed me.  Is that so hard to understand?”  He looks angry at me.  He does know why I did it.  He just doesn’t want to realise the fact that I still love him, but I do.

I blurt it out, “…Because I love you!”  I say it loud and clear so he can hear me.   He can’t just turn around and say he didn’t hear me.  I know he did.  I can tell by the expression on his face – shock.  That’s all I can say about it.  I don’t say a word until he does.   He’s going to be the next person to speak, not me.  I’ve said all I want to say.  Now it’s his turn to say what he’s feeling.  He might not love me anymore.  I just want to know.  I look to the ground for a few minutes and then look back up at him, “Are you ok?  I know it might come as I bit to a shock to you.  I just need to release some of my feelings out in the open,” he doesn’t answer me…He doesn’t even have a look at me, “Speak to me…Please, Aaron,” still no reply from him, “Please don’t hate me for this…” I whisper to him, tears fulfilling my eyes.

He finally looks up to me.  He looks as though he’s crying too.  I never wanted to make him cry.  His lips start to move, “I can’t do this…” he whispers.   He then stands up and storms around to the pub area.  I stay where I am.  He won’t want me making things ten times worse.  Nothing can get any worse than they already are.

After a few minutes passes, I go around to the pub area.  There’s no sign of Aaron.  Not even in the corner of the pub having a pint.  He must have been really upset.  I know I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth.  I definitely shouldn’t have kissed him.  It was an accident those.  Diane comes over to me.  She smiles to me, “What’s up, pet?  What happened with Aaron?” 

I look to her through my tears, “Not good.  I’ve messed everything up between us.   There’s never going to be an ‘us’ even.  I’m just a big screw-up,” she just looks at me.  I start to cry.  Tears streaming down my face, “I just can’t do it anymore…”  I look to her.

She tries to smile to me.  She knows it’s not working those.  She looks upset herself, “Pet, why don’t we have a seat in the back?  We can discuss this more if you want to…you know a shoulder to cry on,” she stops and then looks to me for an answer.

I look around the pub.  It seems pretty busy, “No…don’t.  The pub is busy.  You’re not going to lose business because of my stupid antics.” 

She turns around to Marlon, “Cover the bar!  You’ll get a raise for this month’s wages if you do.  I’ve got some business to sort out,” Marlon smiles and nods to her in response.  I don’t like doing this to Diane.  She’s going to lose some money over me.  And I don’t want that to happen to her.

We got around to the backroom.   She just stares at me, “So tell me, pet.  What happened with you and Aaron?” 

“Excuse me, Diane…But did he go through the pub or tell you where he was going?”   I know I shouldn’t be asking.  She might not tell me anyway…If Aaron has told her to keep it under wraps.  I wouldn’t blame him after the stupid stunt I pulled, “You might not want to tell me if he has.  He probably doesn’t want me to know.  If I’ve upset him that much,” I just smile to her through my tears.

She comes over and gives me a hug.  She lets go after thirty seconds, “No sorry, pet.  He didn’t say anything to me.   I think he was crying those.  He just stormed out of the back,” she tried to explain with a smile, but I knew she couldn’t, “I thought something must have happened.”

I start to cry even more than before, “How could I make him cry like that?” 

She just looks to me, “It wasn’t your fault.  Somethin’ happened between you and Aaron,” she just keeps staring at me, waiting for an answer, “You need to release all your feelings out.  It’ll help if you tell me what happened.”

I look up from the ground and there’s my step-mum giving me a comforting smile.  I’ve got to tell her now, “I kissed Aaron before I could tell him about how I feel.  It’s stupid, I know.  You don’t have to tell me how stupid I was.”

I then turn to look at her.  I expect a disgusting look appearing on her face.  How wrong was I?   She sat there with a smile on her face still, “No, everybody makes mistakes.  I’m thinking he wanted to know why you kissed him.”

“You’re right!  I told him and he just freaked,” I tear up once again.  I can’t help the flooding of my tears pouring down my face, “Freaked!  I couldn’t stop myself.  Now he’s probably just crying his eyes out, and that’s because of me,” I just look up to Diane.  Her face expression must be bad by now, but it isn’t.  She still has that smile on her face,” What kind of monster does that make me?  I make my supposed boyfriend cry like that.” 

She gives me a sympathetic look.  She then smiles, “That doesn’t make you a monster at all.  You made a mistake and you love Aaron to bits.  I think he feels the same-“

Her sentence is cut short by the arrival of Aaron.   I look up to him, not believing he’d come back.  I’m worried that he’s going to be angry with me.  He doesn’t seem angry.  He’s got red and puffy eyes from crying.  That makes me feel really bad.  I clear my tears to make him feel better.  Diane looks at him and smiles, “Aaron…how are you?” 

He just looks to her.  He gives a little comforting smile towards her.  I don’t think he can smile with all the emotions going on behind the scenes that I caused, “Can you give me and Robert a minute to have a talk?   We’ve got quite a bit to talk about…is that ok, Diane?”

She smiles to him as she gets up, “Of course you can, pet.”  She goes out of the room.  Shutting the door in possess, leaving him and Aaron all alone…


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lodge stuff or Paddy/grain stuff never happened. Neither did the hitman with Chas. :)

We’re stuck just staring at each other, not speaking a word.  I need to say something to him.  However, that could inflame the situation.  I don’t have to…Aaron does it for me, “Sorry for running off like that…I shouldn’t have.”

I smile to him to make him feel a bit better, “It’s not your fault…it’s mine.  I shouldn’t have blurted my feelings out like that.”

He just stares at me and gives a smirking smile, “I’m not going to lie, it did come as a big shock to me.  So much of a big shock that I needed to have a breath of fresh air.   I also needed some time to myself…just to think.” 

I still can’t believe what I did to poor Aaron.  Why did I do it?  I could’ve told him any other time, “It was the worst time to tell him: I mean you’ve just found out that your mum’s diagnosis is PTSD.”

He just smiles to me, “It’s not your fault about that.  It’s nobody’s fault…not mine, not yours.  Things like that happen to people.   It’s just my mum’s one of those people…Anyway, she’s getting the help she needs,” I just smile to him.  He’s just made a wonderful speech and declared his love for his mum, “Anyway, we need to talk about ‘us’.” 

That makes my heart miss a beat, “Us!  Really?  You want to give ‘us’ a chance.  I didn’t know that you’d want to give me a chance after everything’s that happened,” I can’t believe my luck right at this minute.  I might have the man I’ve always wanted. 

He looks at my puppy dog eyes.  I’m really good as those.  It might not work with Aaron.  I don’t want to underestimate him in the slightest.  His lips start to move to dictate my answer for the ‘our’ future, “If you want to give it another shot.  I’m up for it…”

His sentence is cut short, “Really!”   I stand up, “Let’s tell everybody about us…Let’s tell the world that we’re together.   Do it right now if you want.  I could move in with you,” he just looks right at me, “Di-“

My sentence’s cut short with Aaron overruling it.   He stands up, “No Robert.  That’s what I was going to say.  There’s some terms and conditions you’ve got to follow to be with me this time,” I smile to him.  What’s he on about? “You can’t tell anybody that we’re together.” 

I just look to him in shock, “What?  But that’s the idea about being a couple,” he doesn’t look happy.  He just stares at me, “You used to complain about us not going to publicity.”

“That was different!”  He gets me to look at him, “You were married to Chrissie, weren’t you?  We couldn’t really go public back then.” 

I look at him, “Yeah, that’s the whole point.  Me and you are going public to let everybody know that we’re in love,” he just stares at me.  He doesn’t look very happy with me.  His eyes are all bloodshot.  I think it’s with stress, but what he’s stressed about, “Why are you getting so worked up about ‘us’ going publicity?” 

He just looks up to me, “No…”  he seems quite shaken up with the fact we might be going publicity.

He just looks to the ground.  I want to see his deep and blue eyes.   I put my hand gently under his chin.  Gently, I lift it up to reach eye levels.  Soon, his deep and blue eyes are eye to eye with mine.  I just give a gentle and loving smile to him…I hope it would make him feel some kind of comfort.  It doesn’t work those!  I let his chin down gently.  I don’t want to hurt him, any time of my life, “Aaron, why do you not want us to go publicity?” 

He looks up to me.  He finally speaks to me, “The reason I don’t want us to release our feelings towards each other to everybody:” the word ‘our’ makes me feel a sense of sensation around every bone in my body.  The blood carries it around the body.  It makes me feel so good about myself.  The man I love sitting right next to me feels the same as me.   He does sound like a robot like…With all the facts he’s giving me.  And certainly the way he speaks, “…I don’t want anybody getting hurt with it…”

I look up to him, “Hurt?”  I know I’ve done some stuff in the past...but I’ve never hurt anybody that Aaron loves, “We’ve done nothing to no one.  Why are you concerned about what other people think about us being together?  It’s supposed to be just you and me,” I smile.

“I told Chrissie about the affair, not because I wanted you.  To make you stop living a lie,” I know that, but he still feels guilty about telling Chrissie even though it was the best thing to do in the end, “But I really did want you in the end.  I love you, Robert Sugden and I thought you didn’t love me until a few days ago when you acted all loved up while doing out for a drink with me.” 

I look over to him.  In to his beautiful blue eyes.  He edges towards me.  I know where this is going.  He touches my lips with his for a split second.  But it feels like a lifetime.  I’ve got what I’ve always wanted.  My boyfriend, “Thanks for giving me a chance, Aaron.”

He smiles, but he knows there is a catch, “But whatever you’ve said, we can’t tell anybody.”

I think about it.  I don’t want to go in what I did just five minutes ago but I want to know why we can’t tell anybody, “Why?”

He looks to me, “Because of my mum.  That’ll be the last thing she needs once she gets out of that clinic.  I can’t risk her health, Rob.” 

I do get Aaron.  Chas is very bad at the minute, “I understand, Aaron.  I really do.  As long as I’m with you, I’m fine…whatever we do.” 

He looks at me and smiles, a big warming smile, “I better be getting off.” 

“I’m just going to tell Diane we’re together,” I smile to him.  His smile then drops off.

He looks at me funny, “You can’t tell anybody, Rob.  I’m sorry, but we’re definitely together.” 

“That’s fine,” I smile to him.  I’m unconvinced, but I’ll live with it as specially when Aaron and comes over to kiss me quickly…but I can’t even tell Diane…


End file.
